Monday, December 29, 2014

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take

It is a true life of privilege if you are always the one who loves less, who feels less, who cares less and invests less.

And the only time you figure this out is when that privilege is taken away from you. All your life you have this skewed sense of what love is like and what it should be like and how it should make you feel. Then one day, you find out how wrong you have been. You had never before tasted the agony of not knowing, the restlessness to find out if this is it and the determination to move mountains to make it work. Whatever ‘it’ is.

It is like absolutely having to remove the patch of scabby dry skin that is formed over a recent scratch even though it may hurt, you have to do it. Like having to touch the plate right after the server tells you ‘be careful –it’s hot’.

This is like the epiphany that Ranbir has in Bachna Ae Haseeno, when he decides to right his wrongs of the past, even though he knows it won’t secure his future with Deepika. But it’s when you see light to realize that the other person wasn’t crazy or obsessed, they were just in love. Because now you are the crazy, paranoid freak who has no self-respect left. It’s frustrating because you do everything you swore you never would, you are becoming into this person you used to pity, and everything you thought you were, that you had worked so hard to create is lost.

If you have any control over your feelings, there is a time when you have to decide if you want to cross that thin line between practicality and romanticism. If you have any control that is. This should be the most deliberate of all decisions you will ever make. Whether to snap out of it, brush off the feelings you fell into or to really go all in. Every action of the universe around you seems to be a sign of something. You look for these signs externally, because if you look inside you will see your heart staring back at you and it will scare the living hell out of you. You want to put off seeing that it is not your decision to make and it’s already too late. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.

The demand to be loved back is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions.

So what if you may as well be ruined from false anticipation.

p.s. yes I did cite Bollywood up there. Suck it. 

And so it goes...

Erlebnisse. (n.)the experiences, positive or negative, that we feels most deeply, and through which we truly live; not mere experiences, but Experiences.

The only thing good about 2014 was that it was marginally better than 2013, which let’s say was a terrible year.

2014 though was all over the place, it made me a 16 year old at times and a 29year old at other times. I’ve became ‘jaded’ about things I wasn’t ready for. I also realized that being vulnerable is the best way to truly feel things both good and bad and there is nothing wrong with feeling things as opposed to what I thought earlier. Feelings were for the weak. But really they are for those who can deal with them.

True to my resolution of the year past, I was more confrontational and therefore more truthful to everyone around me. This one is going to roll over to the next year though because there is a lot more room for improvement. This year a continuation of last year’s second half was also sort of a limbo period. It felt like I was stuck in a transition, not there but not quite here either. The highlights of the year were definitely the times I was away for vacation, where the people I really love were all around. Participating in three weddings and getting really close to new cooler family members was also a lovely underlying theme.

The visual of driving away from the people I love to the airport has been etched in my head whether in cabs or metros or buses each was more painful than the last and almost every single one of them led to me crying my heart out next to an unsuspecting, probably confused fellow passenger. If I had to put a positive spin on this, it was only the thrill of getting to see them again for the first time after a long time. But that’s horseshit.

So as this not as terrible as last-but could be way better-year came to an end, it definitely brought out the winter sun for me. A promise that the coming year will definitely be much much better. I’ll be damned if it isn’t.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Golden Ratio

The ratio to put all other ratios to shame.

'Scientist all over the world studied the most beautiful faces from all the different countries to come to the conclusion that all of those faces were considered beautiful because they had the face with the golden ratio. But they wasted their time, they should have just studied your face.'

That is the perfect compliment. My heart may have actually expanded a few mms from how hard I blushed.

But what is the golden ratio when it comes to things beyond the skin, beyond the superficial obvious. Is it finally realizing what people have been saying all along 'when you know you know' or not believing that you are actually capable of feeling that. Is it realizing that this will finally be your thing, and you are going to have to work very hard on it but you don't mind.

When you can see all your flaws and all of his flaws and they fit well together. When even after knowing everything about them you still love them, you give them the power to hurt you and you know they will destroy you sometimes. When they love you a little less, but that's okay because your love for them is enough to compensate. You have inexplicable faith that they will see what you see.

How do you know, when you know? How can you be so sure that this is not just a product of your boredom. Is it knowing that even if someone better came along, you don't care because this person is your person. For once shit is not electric, you aren't losing your head over stupid human things, but the knowledge that your person is here is powerful and there is an intrinsic happiness you have never felt before.

It isn't perfect, it doesn't just line up the way movies showed you, there is no symmetry but just like the golden ratio it is the perfect combination of mismatched features that make it everything you have ever wanted and some that you didn't know you needed.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Ten Books.

One of those facebook tags of the top ten books that have influenced me etc got me to writing this post. So here goes

1. The Harry Potter series, by JK Rowling. - for obvious reasons, no book list is complete for me without this entry. Things I learnt from it - friendship, bravery, and above all the power of love. 
2. Stardust, by Neil Gaiman. - this was a birthday gift from one of my favorite persons and taught me how to never stop looking for magic in life. 
3. Anthem, by Ayn Rand. - this is the most recent addition to this list, it came at the right time and taught me the power of I.
4. Only Love is Real, by Brian Weiss. - this book taught me everything that I needed to know about death as a teenager and also how only love is real. 
5. Bhagvad Gita, by Vyasa. - again as a teenager I picked it up just to brush up my sanskrit and found out more about positive energy that you release in the atmosphere around you and how it affects you and everyone around you than I would have ever known. 
6. Freakonomics, by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt. - the perfect amalgamation of economics and psychology, this book has made me look at everyday human behavior from a light I didn't see before.
7. Animal Farm, by George Orwell. - everyone everywhere should read this.
8. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (series), by Douglas Adams. - most entertaining book I have read and am sure will ever read. It raises some very important existential questions in the most overt way. 
9. The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemmingway. - in the pretentious world where something I write actually gets published, I would like my writing to be exactly like his.
10. The Last Leaf, by O.Henry. 'nuff said.

Obviously I highly recommend each and everyone one of these. 
I am not going to tag anyone to also do this, but if you read this and also are a blogger or just want to do it anyway, feel free to feel challenged. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Then I saw her face -

Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. And know what you give out to the world is what comes back to you, exponentially. So keep giving out the love and just have some patience and watch it come back and engulf you.

A thought that has been taking shape in my head for the last few months keeps getting stronger every day. I have come to believe that there is a time and place for everything, even for love. Love comes to you in many ways, many times and every time with greater intensity. Every time you have a brush with love, you try to keep your self protected from it, then you open up to it, then you are vulnerable to it and then it climaxes. Of course the climax can be the beginning of a long long time or the end of the very short but appropriate time.

But I think, that however long or short your affair with love was, it is important to remember how good it was and that its over now. Nothing will ever be the same again, your views on certain things will be tainted, some songs will forever be etched in your memory as special and some smells will smack you right in the face out of nowhere 5 years later and you will be like, what the fuck just happened.

We place so much importance on true love as humans. It is almost selfish if you think of it, for what is love in the face of illnesses, war, poverty, crime and natural disasters? And why can you only have true love once, how is my love for my best friend any less truer than my love for my pet parrot or my significant other? Who defines that? I would gladly give up my life for all of those three. Just because things didn't work out with someone, does that mean my love was insincere or their's not enough? Why do we forget about how perfect it was while it lasted? Everything comes with expiry dates, even as soon as you are born the surest thing is that one day you will die.

Every once in a while though, you make some bonds and they surely evolve over time, but they last your lifetime. They may come and go, and come back sometimes. They may never come back, they may leave you with emotional scars, but as sure as I am of a sky above me, I believe that someone will come right back and heal them for you. We have the greatest power of all living things, which is to give and receive love. Just promise to be open to it, don't push away because you got hurt the first time, or the second time or the third - maybe the fourth time will be a charm : )

Monday, August 4, 2014

Fool on the hill

I think the person who breaks up with another person is often blamed unjustly. As a society we need to give more credit to the person who has the courage of pulling out of a relationship before it goes bad. For a long time I felt very guilty of breaking a heart, the one I had cared about for so long. But I knew before he did, and saw what he chose to unsee where the relationship was headed and took the decision for both of us. So I did it, I unplugged.

And I gladly accepted my position as the break-uper and knew that all the hate I got from him and his friends was justified to an extent, because had he dumped me it would have been exactly reversed. I knew I wanted to be there for him anyway he needed me, just not in a romantic way. Because before everything else, he was first and foremost my friend and I never wanted to change that equation.

But now that almost an equal amount of time has passed since the break up as the duration of our relationship. I cannot and will not make an effort to reach out and try to be 'friends'. I expect you to grow the fuck up. After a while, even the guilt trip completes it's lap and yea I broke your heart, but you broke mine every day since then. I may have wronged you, but that does not give you the right to show me down every single time you get a chance to. We are now equals in terms of the crime committed. I no longer feel the weight of my actions.

Bye forever.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

My Main Man

While I was spending all my life trying very hard not to become my mom(as a teenager; for obvious reasons), I didn't realize that I became my dad. And nothing makes me more proud. While I take after both of them, my mom in her looks, her charisma, her confidence and her temperament too. I am happy to say I take on my dad in his work ethic, his loving and his giving back.

Over the last few years, I have realized what a truly privileged life I have had only because I was born to him and not for anything substantial that I have done. If I have pride from my mom, I got modesty from my dad. I can write for days about how I am going to be forever indebted to him, stories will include how he tolerated(not really) me having a boyfriend(s), me failing exams, me doing stupid shit in general, him flying to america for 48 hours just to attend my graduation because I threw a fit, to how he has been there for me through every goddamn stupid life situation, and how no other man will be good enough because he will always be measured up against my dad. How he has been there for every single parent teacher meeting, and celebrated our measly milestones as if it was a nobel prize, been the parent that spoiled us just as mom turned her back. You have been flawless.

I love you. You may never actually read this, because then you will end up reading my previous posts and that would just be uncomfortable for both of us. But if and when I let you, I love you and thank you. I know I'm your favorite, but let's not spoil it for the other two just yet.

Epilogue(more of an after thought): Father's Day, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day etc all get a lot of hate from people saying that we should celebrate our loved ones every day, and that we don't need one day of the year to express all this love. But the truth is - we don't. In the normal thing that is life, people don't stop and appreciate the ones around them, they don't pamper or spoil the ones they love, and they don't show their gratefulnesses to their significant ones either. I think - minus the commercialization aspect of holidays - it is absolutely necessary to have a day kept aside every year to celebrate the ones we love.  It's like birthdays, you want one day of the year that you are allowed to be happy for no other reason than that you were born. 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Mind over Matter

The biggest fights we have are ones between our mind and our heart. The one between what we should do and the one that we want to do. On the one hand, there is the practical, sensible, the one that makes most sense, and the one that in the long run may prove to be more successful. And on the other hand, there is the one you want, the one that is easy, the one with love and friendship and the things that matter more.

Neither is wrong. One takes all the decisiveness you have, all the will power in the world and all the diligence. The other takes guts, the guts to follow what makes you happy, the courage to go against practicality and all the people who think they know the best for you.

The first is the road more travelled, you know more or less exactly how your next few years will play out, you know that it is at the end of the day the smarter thing to do. it will make a lot of people around you happy, it will make them happy because you did what they suggested, it will make other people happy because it seems logical, well planned, you will be exemplary and also successful in most ways.

The second however will make you happy, the pharell-clap-along-if-you-are-happy kind of happy. Its risky, it may not work out in your favor as you had hoped but it will be okay because you did what you wanted. People around you will tell you how you made a mistake by not listening to them and by being selfish. Being selfish is not looked upon as a positive attribute in our culture.

What do you do then? What side do you pick, do you voluntarily take something that will instantly gratify you but may ultimately put you behind a few steps on the road to success or do you bite your lip, drink the poison go with something that is ideal and absolutely practical? Do you give into the ambition you have harbored and worked so hard for all these years, or do you succumb for once to the romantic in you. In this dog-eat-dog world, isn't it better to be smart because sentiment is overvalued? Is it, at the end of the day, braver to close your eyes and take that leap of faith or is it in fact much harder to tell your heart to shut it for just five more minutes and do what your brain is telling you, because there are no excuses in life. 

Friday, January 24, 2014

We are young.

I am one of those people, advertisers create ads for. I fall for every emotional ad there is knowing fully well that it is made solely for the purpose of buying customers like me and making more money. I know this, because well common sense and because I have a minor in advertising. And so while I should know better than to fall for this, I also applaud creative ads when I see them.

I stumbled across a page today that had links to 9-indian-ads-that-deliver-a-social-message and it made me think about how even though the current state of Indian politics and economy is horrifying I have obstinate belief that we will be okay.

While it is super easy for me to ignore the facebook rants of my friends about Modi/AAP/Congress etc because it doesn't directly affect me, I have a very cynical view of the future of the country, because each party surpasses the next in scandals and corruptions. It is extremely easy for me to turn a blind eye to the mess AAP has created in Delhi and being a democrat through and through it hurts my pride to say that maybe our only hope at this point is in fact Modi - the aforementioned article I read today gave me a lot of hope.

I read this on Quora recently and I know this to be true - Other countries(China etc.) succeed because of their governments, India despite it. The most amazing thing about us Indians is that there are literally so many of us, that we just don't quit. We have been fighting for centuries now and will continue to do so until we get what we want. We know exactly what's wrong with us and we are trying really hard to make things right. We recognize caste-ism as a flaw in our progress as a nation , we recognize that divorce and remarriage is still a social stigma, we know that the treatment of women in the country is appalling, but we are doing everything we can to change it.

Not too long ago, I blogged about how I was not proud to be an Indian and it has been my most viewed blog ever. But today I feel amazingly hopeful and optimistic about being an Indian. We are a country where 65 percent of the people are under the age of 35, there is nothing that we can't do. Besides Indians everywhere are known for their hard work and dedication, we as the youth of the country are marching on in the right direction. We have stopped letting shitty politicians take us for granted. Even with this whole Kejriwal fiasco (and excuse me if something I said is wrong because when it comes to politics, I am a little ill informed) we wanted a change and we voted for him - but if he thinks that after being given the responsibility of the state he can just keep on going just on the basis of publicity stunts, he has another thing coming his way.

In many ways now, we are more powerful than we have ever been. Our number maybe the biggest factor that can be pointed to for everything that is wrong about the country - but it's also our single biggest asset. And now since it is empowered, great things are about to happen.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Finding my Silver Lining

While I am hoping with all my heart that 2014 is nothing like last year, because I had a consistently terrible year. I am going to list out all the good things that happened to me. 

To start with, in January, I befriended two really amazing people. Very unintentionally we grew to like our company a lot and I can spend time with them even when they are a couple and totally not get awkward. And also both of them separately. 

I also went on some amazing trips with old friends which were all in their own right nothing short of legendary. 

I think I had my heart broken for the first time and then a couple more times in the first half of the year, and this is a silver lining because it proves I have one, contrary to my assumptions. Thanks to this, I am more in touch with my emotions. 

I made more friends with whom I instantly bonded and I think I’ll be friends with them forever. Effortlessly we are a part of each other’s lives and it’s fantastic. 

I started working on my next big life project, which may or may not become a thing (therefore the ambiguity) but regardless will be important for me.

I had some mind blowing, intense conversations with my parents about deep life choices and philosophy which I never thought I would. Thanks to this we understand each other a little more now. 

More than six of my really close friends are either married or have found the one for themselves.  This is exciting because obviously yay! and secondly because it gives me hope that I can’t be far behind. 

I also made a major life decision which may or may not affect me in the long run. But making it has been the hardest thing I have done all year. this makes me feel really grown up. 

Towards the end of the year, I was able to reconnect and play catch up with two friends who I had grown up in a way with. We bonded over all kinds of random things and it made me happy that some friendships can always be revived however long it’s been since the last time you talked properly. These people sometimes feel like an extension of your own family sometimes, because they have been there and see you go through everything. 

So even if my blog about the crappy things would be twice as long as this, I am still grateful and thankful for the little things that kept picking me up along the way. The truth is however cheesy and childish and movie like it may sound, it is up to you to find the best in the worst.