Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Borrowed Happiness

So hear me out. Sometimes you life sucks and absolutely nothing is good. You have had a shit year, you don't have a job and if you do it's the pits, your love life is worse than your job scene, you are far away from every one you love, and you are don't really have a home. And its totally reasonable to be absolutely depressed and cynical because good things are avoiding you like the plague.

Even if every single of those things are happening to me and my life totally is the dumps, I am happy. This is my way of dealing with unhappiness this year. I am borrowing happiness from those around me. While I have nothing to be happy for, those around me do and that just makes me feel fantastic. My best friend in the whole world is getting married and that single handedly has made the universally accepted trash year 2016 worth it. Not just one, but 4 more of my closes friends have decided to seal the deal in the coming year and their happiness makes me ecstatic. Their happiness is the mdma thats keeping me going. It makes me see that while everything terrible can happen to mankind, the most beautiful thing is still our one redeeming quality. That we can love someone with all our heart and be fearless and declare it to the rest of the world.

I am borrowing some happiness from my other best friend and sister both of whom got jobs of their dreams. They are truly deserving of everything they are getting and I am so grateful for it. I want them to enjoy every second of what they are doing. I am borrowing joy from my other sister who found out she is pregnant and her radiating happiness makes me glow too. I am borrowing it from my little niece who just makes my day with her perfect laughter. She makes this year so totally worth it.

I am taking it from those who are accomplishing their goals and falling in love and making decisions like total badasses that they are.

I am borrowing it from movies and from music and from books. Thats exactly what they are there for. Thank you all of you. I'm not going to let this year beat me, because goddamnit 2017 will be spectacular. It has to be. And until things turn around, I am going to be relentlessly cheerful. Because I'm bored of being bummed.



Sunday, November 27, 2016

Our Thing.

Kayaking was our thing.
Laying under the trees on the grass was our thing.
Watching tv but not really watching it was our thing.
You making food for me, even though I am better at it was our thing.
Bollywood was our thing.
Mexican food was your thing that became my thing.
Watching the sunset on your balcony was our thing.
Dancing to cheesy songs was our thing.
Watching youtube clips and laughing my head off was my thing that I hoped would become your thing.
Driving in the car was our thing just because of how much time we spent in it.
Video chatting every night was our thing even when we lived 20 minutes away from each other.
Listening to music, drinking beer and just chatting on the couch after work was also our thing.

We had all these things but you chose to focus on the one thing that wasn't. And that is what our story will be reduced to. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Trigger

Everything is normal and you are just watching a friends episode for the 23rd time while also searching for the end of the internet.

And then suddenly it hits you like a brick. You freeze, and you have trouble breathing. You are taking deep breaths but it still feels like you aren't getting enough oxygen. Your brain is spinning, but you know nothing is actually moving. You are trying really hard to focus on just one stationary object but it feels like you are on a really fast moving carousel, everything is a blur. 
You feel like you need to get out of your body, and maybe if you bleed it out it will feel better. But you don't do that obviously because thats very stupid. It's like missing a step on the staircase in the dark, its that lurch in your stomach but you don't know how long it will last. The last time it was ten minutes, the time before that it was thirty. It could be a lot longer this time. You are freaking out even though a part of your brain knows you shouldn't. Your heart beats faster than it ever has, faster than the time you ran across the terminal to catch the flight, faster than that one time you tried to run and faster than when someone scares you from behind. You try to walk but it feels like with every step the floor is about to disappear. Every fear you have ever had goes through your head like headlines of a newspaper, every moment of self doubt comes back and high fives you in the face. Your fists clam up and you even sweat a little bit. You try to go outside and stand in the cold to feel something else. You panic about having a panic attack which makes it worse. You fear no one is going to believe you because you didn't even believe in them until you had one. 

Then it finally stops. You try to drink some water, and watch a funny video. You call your friend and talk to them about things that don't matter so you can forget about what just happened.


                            

Friday, October 21, 2016

Iris

There is something very intimate when you look into someone's eyes. It can sometimes make you forget everything that you have been thinking about.

You can have full conversations with your best friend only using your eyes, when you are surrounded by too many people who can't know things you need to communicate. You can use your eyes to apologize to someone, to share a smile with someone, to express desperation, to express horror and anger and to show desire for something or best of all to roll them at someone too basic.

Then there is the greatest of all use of eyes, as shown perfectly in this song up to a minute and twenty seconds, when you are searching for the most elusive of all emotions. I look at you, you look up, I look away. I look up and catch you looking at me and still I look away. This little dance of peeks and glances, and I hope you are braver than me. We look at each other a little too long and know we aren't just friends anymore. You almost begin to recover and then they look at you again.

Sometimes you look at me, when I'm not looking but aware that you are. I pretend like I don't know but trying to stop turning the brightest shade of red under your watchful glance. Eye contact is how souls catch fire. You can never forget the moment when your eyes first meet, the trivial moment of nothing, yet the beginning of everything.


Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Outside my window.

Fall.
A september to remember, an october full of splendour and a november to treasure. It's nature's way of showing us that everything is beautiful even as it is dying.

By every measure autumn is my favorite season of the year. I do prefer to call it fall of course, because my first experience with it was in the US, therefore fall it is. It springs on you one morning in a cute little way when 5 leaves on the tree in your driveway will have turned pink. And then bam! ten days later the whole tree is pink and orange and a wonderful bit yellow. You can never get enough of this season either, the fantastic things that happen to the leaves never gets old.

It's also when all the wonderful things happen. Oktoberfest, halloween, diwali, birthdays, bonfires, apple picking, apple pies, pumpkin pies and everything in between. Every leaf is now a flower, it's like a grand finale of the year.

Outside my window, the leaves are changing, the sunset is even changing, it's too cold to lay in the hammock and yet so inviting. Maybe it's time for us to change too. To let go of all the bad things we picked up this year, to let go of all the negative emotions we let harbor inside of us, the secret smoking, the not so secret over eating, the resisting and the fighting. It's that time of the year that we also forgive ourselves for all the mistakes we have made, for next year we have a whole new set of screw ups waiting for us.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Lost things

Things you will never get back.

1. Your favorite book that you lent to a friend's friend.
2. Your first kiss.
3. The time you spent crying over a lost love.
4. The feeling you get when you are about to get somewhere you never even dreamed of going to.
5. The feeling you get when you give up an opportunity you know you will never get back.
6. The way you were before you read or watched something significant for the first time, not knowing that you will never be the same again.
7. Words that you said in anger without thinking them through.
8. The scarf you gave your freezing friend. Make sure you give your second favorite, because you are never seeing that again. Thanks Lina.
9. Your graduating class, be it school or college. You will never be in a room full of so many people you love or so much potential again.
10. The time when your only worry was who got more maggi among your siblings or when you could spend all afternoon shooting things with your imaginary gun.
11. Your favorite pair of earrings you left at your friend's house in another country when you visited her.

but

-that's ok, because your friend will love that book just as much as you did and whats the point of a good story if it's not shared.
-and that's ok too because you will have more first kisses and they will mean so much more and more importantly you will have a kiss that will be the kiss to top it all.
-every lost love however brief deserves that you spend time reflecting on how it changed you.
-what follows after you reach that place is a thousand times better than what you ever imagined.
-whatever you gave up that opportunity for will be so much more satisfying, and you will for sure have another better opportunity come up.
-oh your life will change and your perspective will expand exponentially.
-well this sucks, but better out that in.
-now you have a warmer friend and that's whats important
-you now have a friend on every continent in half the countries around the world and more instances of feeling proud of their achievements by association.
-well now you can buy all the maggi you want, and eat it too. also you can facetime them anytime you are eating it and rub it in their face.
-she can enjoy wearing them and hopefully remember you every time that she does.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Weird AF

Today will go down in my personal history as the weirdest day that has ever been.

I had particularly atrocious meeting with a lawyer regarding my future which sounded more and more like Meghan Trainor's NO by every passing minute. After finding out that no I cannot do the things I have been planning to do for the last 4 months and that my career track is back to a stand fucking still, I found myself walking dejectedly into a mall looking for something to eat.

Just after refusing a sales person asking me to try something this super cute 88 year old man asks me what am I doing in the mall at this time of the day. He proceeded to tell me that since the mall floors are smooth, and its cool in there and there is good coffee he is in the mall chilling, but why is a 25 year old girl in the mall at noon on the thursday. He asked me why I'm not married, because that's something all old people just do I guess, he joked about he was the youngest person there because he ran into a 'senior' who was 96. He then told me his entire life story for the next 30 minutes, how he met his wife, about army, how he came to the states from Poland when he was 14 and his kids and more. All the while giving me a solid love life advice about how - if you find a boy, just hang around him till he notices you.

He kept bringing home the point that I was lovely and well educated and that any guy would be happy to have me. Because thats exactly what his wife did and they have been together 60 years now.

So obviously after that I was in a slightly better mood but still a little bummed out and walked into a Mexican restaurant for lunch. It was a nice normal lunch until out of nowhere the server bought this tiny inch tall Mexican worry doll and said, here keep this under your pillow, it will take all your troubles away.

I don't know if I was exuding that much stress but my day definitely turned around after that. You don't just get two giant ass voices of the universe come to you on the exact day that you need them the most. I don't know if I am just looking for signs to feel better or if this was for real, but today was weird AF.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

The End.

Every good thing comes to an end.

However good they maybe, they will end. Some will end in fifteen days, some in minutes, some take years and other even longer like lifetimes but they all end. Friendships, relationships, love stories, travels, careers and in the end, lives.

How foolish are we to think so highly of our passions, and our adventures to think that our stories will mean anything to anyone except us. In the great big universe that there is we are nothing but a blink of an eye; here today gone tomorrow. Every book in the world tries to teach us to either get rid of temptation or to give in to it and we do, one or the other, in the end only to realize that it makes no difference at all.

And it makes you wonder, what was the point of all of that, all the aspirations, the yearnings, the wants and the ambitions.