I can feel it in my toes. Things are changing and unlike a year ago, when I loved every minute of the change - I detest every second of it this time around.
Only because I didn't plan it. It’s frustrating because this is not what I want. I didn't want to leave my apartment, I don’t want to leave the country I have come to make my own and more than anything else I don’t want to leave my friends.
It feels like the end of an era. The five best years of my life are coming to a close and it breaks my heart - because this is not how I had imagined it. However I am starting to come to terms with it. Because it just can’t get worse after this. This is rock bottom. These are the dungeons.
At this point I have nothing to lose, so instead I have stubborn determination. To get out of this. To be better than last time. To restart. To find new horizons.
Last year was perfect in many ways; this year has been the exact opposite. I have faced more rejections than I’d like to admit. My ego has been challenged and everything I base my trust on is a blur. But focusing on the brighter things - I have learnt more this year about myself than the last 10 years put together. Some of those casual realizations have been not "cool", but I am OK about them. Recognizing the fault is half way to fixing it.
In the last three months, I have cried almost twice a week. And that a big deal because before that, I like never cry. Ever. It’s been at the most random moments too - because they all feel like that’s the last time I am doing them. For a while at least.
I don’t know where I will be at the end of this year. I don’t even know what continent I will be on. What I do know is that -this too shall pass. And that I will BE OK.