Saturday, June 15, 2013

Stuck in reverse

When you try your best and you don’t succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep. 

The last few weeks have been the most trying weeks of my adult life. Being a new adult, I haven’t had as many, but these are the first of their kind. In some ways, it’s one of those situations that put everything into perspective. It reminds you to never get too comfortable, never plan more than two months in advance, and more than anything - that the only thing that's constant is change.

I think the reason this change has been so frustrating is because it is because of nothing other than pure bad luck. And when you have your dream job in a fairly good city and some really good friends and you are prepared to enjoy this for at least a little bit. You don’t want all of this taken away two weeks after you bought a matching dresser for your apartment. There is no one to blame, maybe the government, but I guess you can blame the government for basically anything. 

Work and deadline stress I can deal with, that is almost good stress for me. Makes me feel like I am working towards something and contributing to something bigger than me. Family induced stress is also something I can deal with, just out of sheer practice. But this kind of stress -when you don’t know where your life is going - I am not yet ready to deal with. 

My luck has been fairly good in the past. Things have fallen into place, without much effort. But now when I am particularly trying to steer myself in one direction, the wheel has a mind of its own. I guess the luck is running out.

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones.

My friends and family has been the most badass most amazing people ever. I have been behaving like a freak, changing my mind every few hours and just on an emotional roller coaster. However each and every one of them has just stood behind me and told me its okay, to behave irrationally, to feel how I am feeling and to well, change my mind as often as I am changing it. 

They have been just fabulous and for that I will forever be indebted to them. 

Happiness can be found even in the darkest times - if only one remembers to switch on the light. - Albus Dumbledore. 

I do realize this is only the first of the hard decisions I will make in the future, and that a few months from now (hopefully) I will look back and be glad that this happened. This experience has been so unnecessary. Ugh.

But like everyone of them has been saying - I know things will change, I believe something good will come out of this mess and that luck will turn around in the best possible way. And even though my luck is hiding in the darkest corner right now, I am not going to let it get me. But keep fighting and try to turn this around. 

Monday, June 10, 2013

Bittersweet Symphony

What do you do, when you fall in love with someone who only exists in your head?

This person exists, but you barely know them. you like what you know and you fill in the gaps with what you want. with things you want them to be. you fall in love with the idea of this person you have created in your head. you don’t know, but you hope they will fill the mold you are carving out for them. you argue with yourself that if they don’t live up to your expectations, you will adjust and chill. 

you even say you have no expectations. you don’t. you really don’t. you are just going with the flow, you will take every day as it comes, and just see how it works out. you hope and imagine that person is also making sand castles in the air about you. they aren’t. but you don’t care, the feeling of being in love is magical.

you convince yourself that you will make them fall in love with you, when you meet. it will be like magic, because he is everything you want. but is he? or is the idea of him everything you want? and if you are lucky it will go somewhat like how you had planned it 500 times in your head. 

you over compensate for his less than perfect behavior, masking it under the human element. you cover up for his bluntness, with honesty and straight forwardness. you ignore his ordinary tshirt and no effort to look the part to boyishness and free-livin. 

and you say it doesn’t matter, because it wasn’t going to go anywhere anyways. you resolve to never text again, but you can’t help this time because there is something about him. it never used to bother you, before. boys came and boys went, you were unmoved. you chewed them up and spat them out. you left before they could leave you.

but this time, you are the sucker. you have fallen hard for this joker. there is nothing special about him, he doesn’t even probably like you the way you adore him. but this time you hang to his every word. you make yourself available for him for everything. 

and you can’t behave yourself, you don’t know whether to play hard to get, or just shower him with all your admiration and attention. you don’t know where your massive ego is hiding. its usually the centerpiece of everything you do or say. you think, this has to be something more than the usual infatuation.

But are you really in love, or have u just created this person who doesn’t exist. you may never know, cos you are probably not going to see him again. but how do you let go of the 2 perfect days you had? or are you just bored out of your mind, and therefore focusing on someone so ordinary and unavailable, because it seems like a challenge?