Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. About a lot of things. I’m sorry I lead you on. I apologize for not making my intent clear right from the beginning. I’m sorry that somewhere along the way, we stopped enjoying the moment and planning the future. I’m sorry I didn’t stop you when I should have. I’m sorry I was too afraid to hurt you every day, so I did it all at once in the end. I’m sorry that instead of communicating to you how I really felt about the situation, I swept it under the carpet, hoping if it was out of sight it would be out of my mind too. I’m sorry because I assumed you were on the same page as I was, or that I refused to see that you weren’t. I’m sorry I was too afraid to confront my feelings. I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to say that I didn’t love you, the way you loved me.

I got used to you. Being with you was comfortable and easy. I didn’t have to try, I didn’t have to be somebody or attempt new things, and you accepted me for who I was. Being with you became second nature. It felt nice to have someone always there for me. Knowing that you would rush to my side, no matter what. The security was everything that made us even better. Being with you was effortless.

And then I remember how much you tried to make me happy. You did everything you could and more. You tried so hard that it was almost painful to watch. You didn’t have to, but you did. And while for others that maybe have been cute, for me that was just too much. It didn’t feel right, it didn’t feel equal. It felt like too much effort on your end and none on my part. You gave me everything I asked for, more than I wanted and more than I needed. But you felt you had to compensate for making sure I was with you. You put me on a pedestal, where I didn’t belong. For that I’m not sorry, and I blame you. I was totally okay being right next to you on the ground. I was okay with just flowers, I didn’t ask for the perfumes. I was okay with the cards, I never wanted any gifts, I was okay just being with you, and I didn’t ask to be above.

I miss you too. I miss our talks; I miss your opinion on everything that I do. I miss your reaction to certain things, and I remember fondly, what you liked and what you didn’t. I miss your hug and I crave your words of love. More than anything, I miss fighting with you, about everything. I miss how well you knew me, and how safe I felt around you. I miss everything.

But I want you to know and understand that life has changed as I know it. I am now in a different place, everything has changed. Who I hang out with, who I interact with, what I do every day and where I am. My world is brand new and has nothing in common with the one I associate with you. The change of scene is too drastic and I’m still coping up with it. It seems like the time I spent with you was ages ago. It feels like childhood to a teenager, and teenage to a college student, a far away, fond memory. I’m making new friends now; I’m learning new and different things, about life and myself. And I’m really enjoying it.

But I’m not sorry for finally telling you the truth. Because there is no 'I' in 'us'. I’m still figuring out me, I can’t and don’t want to deal with 'us' just yet. I’m sorry and will always be, for crushing you and giving you no signs. But I just couldn’t keep going, and living a lie, knowing that this would happen one day. Because if there was one thing that I’m sure of, it is that, this was not permanent, nothing is.