Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Trigger

Everything is normal and you are just watching a friends episode for the 23rd time while also searching for the end of the internet.

And then suddenly it hits you like a brick. You freeze, and you have trouble breathing. You are taking deep breaths but it still feels like you aren't getting enough oxygen. Your brain is spinning, but you know nothing is actually moving. You are trying really hard to focus on just one stationary object but it feels like you are on a really fast moving carousel, everything is a blur. 
You feel like you need to get out of your body, and maybe if you bleed it out it will feel better. But you don't do that obviously because thats very stupid. It's like missing a step on the staircase in the dark, its that lurch in your stomach but you don't know how long it will last. The last time it was ten minutes, the time before that it was thirty. It could be a lot longer this time. You are freaking out even though a part of your brain knows you shouldn't. Your heart beats faster than it ever has, faster than the time you ran across the terminal to catch the flight, faster than that one time you tried to run and faster than when someone scares you from behind. You try to walk but it feels like with every step the floor is about to disappear. Every fear you have ever had goes through your head like headlines of a newspaper, every moment of self doubt comes back and high fives you in the face. Your fists clam up and you even sweat a little bit. You try to go outside and stand in the cold to feel something else. You panic about having a panic attack which makes it worse. You fear no one is going to believe you because you didn't even believe in them until you had one. 

Then it finally stops. You try to drink some water, and watch a funny video. You call your friend and talk to them about things that don't matter so you can forget about what just happened.


                            

Friday, October 21, 2016

Iris

There is something very intimate when you look into someone's eyes. It can sometimes make you forget everything that you have been thinking about.

You can have full conversations with your best friend only using your eyes, when you are surrounded by too many people who can't know things you need to communicate. You can use your eyes to apologize to someone, to share a smile with someone, to express desperation, to express horror and anger and to show desire for something or best of all to roll them at someone too basic.

Then there is the greatest of all use of eyes, as shown perfectly in this song up to a minute and twenty seconds, when you are searching for the most elusive of all emotions. I look at you, you look up, I look away. I look up and catch you looking at me and still I look away. This little dance of peeks and glances, and I hope you are braver than me. We look at each other a little too long and know we aren't just friends anymore. You almost begin to recover and then they look at you again.

Sometimes you look at me, when I'm not looking but aware that you are. I pretend like I don't know but trying to stop turning the brightest shade of red under your watchful glance. Eye contact is how souls catch fire. You can never forget the moment when your eyes first meet, the trivial moment of nothing, yet the beginning of everything.


Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Outside my window.

Fall.
A september to remember, an october full of splendour and a november to treasure. It's nature's way of showing us that everything is beautiful even as it is dying.

By every measure autumn is my favorite season of the year. I do prefer to call it fall of course, because my first experience with it was in the US, therefore fall it is. It springs on you one morning in a cute little way when 5 leaves on the tree in your driveway will have turned pink. And then bam! ten days later the whole tree is pink and orange and a wonderful bit yellow. You can never get enough of this season either, the fantastic things that happen to the leaves never gets old.

It's also when all the wonderful things happen. Oktoberfest, halloween, diwali, birthdays, bonfires, apple picking, apple pies, pumpkin pies and everything in between. Every leaf is now a flower, it's like a grand finale of the year.

Outside my window, the leaves are changing, the sunset is even changing, it's too cold to lay in the hammock and yet so inviting. Maybe it's time for us to change too. To let go of all the bad things we picked up this year, to let go of all the negative emotions we let harbor inside of us, the secret smoking, the not so secret over eating, the resisting and the fighting. It's that time of the year that we also forgive ourselves for all the mistakes we have made, for next year we have a whole new set of screw ups waiting for us.