Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Trigger

Everything is normal and you are just watching a friends episode for the 23rd time while also searching for the end of the internet.

And then suddenly it hits you like a brick. You freeze, and you have trouble breathing. You are taking deep breaths but it still feels like you aren't getting enough oxygen. Your brain is spinning, but you know nothing is actually moving. You are trying really hard to focus on just one stationary object but it feels like you are on a really fast moving carousel, everything is a blur. 
You feel like you need to get out of your body, and maybe if you bleed it out it will feel better. But you don't do that obviously because thats very stupid. It's like missing a step on the staircase in the dark, its that lurch in your stomach but you don't know how long it will last. The last time it was ten minutes, the time before that it was thirty. It could be a lot longer this time. You are freaking out even though a part of your brain knows you shouldn't. Your heart beats faster than it ever has, faster than the time you ran across the terminal to catch the flight, faster than that one time you tried to run and faster than when someone scares you from behind. You try to walk but it feels like with every step the floor is about to disappear. Every fear you have ever had goes through your head like headlines of a newspaper, every moment of self doubt comes back and high fives you in the face. Your fists clam up and you even sweat a little bit. You try to go outside and stand in the cold to feel something else. You panic about having a panic attack which makes it worse. You fear no one is going to believe you because you didn't even believe in them until you had one. 

Then it finally stops. You try to drink some water, and watch a funny video. You call your friend and talk to them about things that don't matter so you can forget about what just happened.


                            

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