Saturday, June 15, 2013

Stuck in reverse

When you try your best and you don’t succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep. 

The last few weeks have been the most trying weeks of my adult life. Being a new adult, I haven’t had as many, but these are the first of their kind. In some ways, it’s one of those situations that put everything into perspective. It reminds you to never get too comfortable, never plan more than two months in advance, and more than anything - that the only thing that's constant is change.

I think the reason this change has been so frustrating is because it is because of nothing other than pure bad luck. And when you have your dream job in a fairly good city and some really good friends and you are prepared to enjoy this for at least a little bit. You don’t want all of this taken away two weeks after you bought a matching dresser for your apartment. There is no one to blame, maybe the government, but I guess you can blame the government for basically anything. 

Work and deadline stress I can deal with, that is almost good stress for me. Makes me feel like I am working towards something and contributing to something bigger than me. Family induced stress is also something I can deal with, just out of sheer practice. But this kind of stress -when you don’t know where your life is going - I am not yet ready to deal with. 

My luck has been fairly good in the past. Things have fallen into place, without much effort. But now when I am particularly trying to steer myself in one direction, the wheel has a mind of its own. I guess the luck is running out.

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones.

My friends and family has been the most badass most amazing people ever. I have been behaving like a freak, changing my mind every few hours and just on an emotional roller coaster. However each and every one of them has just stood behind me and told me its okay, to behave irrationally, to feel how I am feeling and to well, change my mind as often as I am changing it. 

They have been just fabulous and for that I will forever be indebted to them. 

Happiness can be found even in the darkest times - if only one remembers to switch on the light. - Albus Dumbledore. 

I do realize this is only the first of the hard decisions I will make in the future, and that a few months from now (hopefully) I will look back and be glad that this happened. This experience has been so unnecessary. Ugh.

But like everyone of them has been saying - I know things will change, I believe something good will come out of this mess and that luck will turn around in the best possible way. And even though my luck is hiding in the darkest corner right now, I am not going to let it get me. But keep fighting and try to turn this around. 


  1. Tanya dont get disheartened.....Sometimes you dont get what you want simply because something better is waiting for you round the corner. I think this is about work visa....a lot of my friends' children are in the same boat. Udit has not landed a job as yet because the companies he applied to told him they wanted only locals.
    love and best wishes
    sonia taiji

  2. Thanks Taiji! yes this about work visa, but also just pure bad luck, bc my company even filed for me - i just didnt get picked in the lottery :/
    but yes i am waiting for something better to come along.