Tatyana in medias res

**this is a longer than usual read. I probably have no right and am in no place to say all this but then that's the benefit of this being my blog. ** Dear uncle and aunty I would like to start with congratulating you on raising a perfect daughter. Having lived with her for two years, I got to know her fairly well and better than the rest of her friends. Never before did I meet someone who come-what-may never forgot to call you at 10:30pm every night. She could be out with her friends or in the library or in the middle of dinner – she never forgot to call you. She did everything she was told and was expected to do by you. So much so she even based her career choice on what YOU not her wanted her to do. Her career – the one thing that’s going to be her bread and butter is based on what her parents wanted her to study. And if this was not enough you made her – forcefully – switch schools in the middle of her graduate schooling. Now any reasonable person would think, that...

I can feel it in my toes. Things are changing and unlike a year ago, when I loved every minute of the change - I detest every second of it this time around.  Only because I didn't plan it. It’s frustrating because this is not what I want. I didn't want to leave my apartment, I don’t want to leave the country I have come to make my own and more than anything else I don’t want to leave my friends. It feels like the end of an era. The five best years of my life are coming to a close and it breaks my heart - because this is not how I had imagined it. However I am starting to come to terms with it. Because it just can’t get worse after this. This is rock bottom. These are the dungeons.  At this point I have nothing to lose, so instead I have stubborn determination. To get out of this. To be better than last time. To restart. To find new horizons. Last year was perfect in many ways; this year has been the exact opposite. I have faced more reject...

There are two peaks of success, one is which you think is the top, the other is the actual top. I went hiking this weekend, conquered the Angel’s Landing in Zion’s national park, so naturally I am going to blog about it. Because hiking is the same as living your life successfully. The journey upwards is very hard and very painful. There are no two ways about it. It takes time - more than you thought, and effort – much more than you planned and persistence – more than you can imagine. But you already knew this, what it also needs is a rock or anchor- to ground you as well as a strong and sturdy rope/chain to hang on to – just in case. And a peak, that may very well be a mirage but something that you are chasing. You need the rock, so it reminds you to stay true to yourself. It reminds you to be humble and down-to-earth, because on your way up – your head can get full of giddy ideas and images that are just a distraction. Because if you are bragging about starting at the bo...

When you try your best and you don’t succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep.  The last few weeks have been the most trying weeks of my adult life. Being a new adult, I haven’t had as many, but these are the first of their kind. In some ways, it’s one of those situations that put everything into perspective. It reminds you to never get too comfortable, never plan more than two months in advance, and more than anything - that the only thing that's constant is change. I think the reason this change has been so frustrating is because it is because of nothing other than pure bad luck. And when you have your dream job in a fairly good city and some really good friends and you are prepared to enjoy this for at least a little bit. You don’t want all of this taken away two weeks after you bought a matching dresser for your apartment. There is no one to blame, maybe the government, but I guess you can blame the governm...

What do you do, when you fall in love with someone who only exists in your head? This person exists, but you barely know them. you like what you know and you fill in the gaps with what you want. with things you want them to be. you fall in love with the idea of this person you have created in your head. you don’t know, but you hope they will fill the mold you are carving out for them. you argue with yourself that if they don’t live up to your expectations, you will adjust and chill.  you even say you have no expectations. you don’t. you really don’t. you are just going with the flow, you will take every day as it comes, and just see how it works out. you hope and imagine that person is also making sand castles in the air about you. they aren’t. but you don’t care, the feeling of being in love is magical. you convince yourself that you will make them fall in love with you, when you meet. it will be like magic, because he is everything you want. but is he? or is the ide...

The perfect date. That feeling when you wake up with grin on your face, knowing well that the day ahead is going to be amazing is unparalleled. You take a shower and brush your teeth with a smile so large, if people saw, they'd think you are loopy.  You meet around noon by the beach, which is right by the street that has been closed off for a wine tasting festival. You feel shy and are hesitant, but you hold hands and walk into the chilly water, hoping it will warm up. It doesn’t, but you still hang in there, knee deep in the sea, even in your brand new dress that you bought especially for today.  You are oblivious to everything around you; the crowd is just the background score to the song that's pumping in your heart. You steal a kiss, splash some water and head back to the wine stalls. You try the chardonnay and the pinot noir, the sauvignon blanc and the moscato, but nothing relaxes the nerves you have, because everything is perfect and you don’t want the mo...

The opening line of one of my favorite movies, Love Actually is - as far as I know, when the twin towers were hit, none of the phone calls of people on board were messages of hate or revenge, they were actually of love. On days like today when I get upset and disappointed with the state of the world we live in and how we are all doomed and how unjust it would be to procreate, to bring another life into this nasty world, I think about the lines from the movie. Today when the explosions took place in Boston, social media burst with outrage and disgust and everyone, well, was just as let down as I was. However the single piece of news that has stayed with me 6 hours later, is about how the runners after crossing the finish line, kept running so they could donate blood at the hospital to the victims. Being the kind of person I am, situations like these get to me fairly easily. I feel sad and angry and upset very quickly and also extremely cynical at the same time. But the th...